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12 Thank-You Notes (humor)
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2014-12-11
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THE TWELVE THANK-YOU NOTES OF CHRISTMAS
My dearest darling Edward, Dec. 25
What a wonderful surprise has just greeted me! That sweet partridge,
in that lovely little pear tree; what an enchanting, romantic, poetic
prsent! Bless you and thank you.
Your deeply loving,
Emily
Beloved Edward, Dec. 26
The two turtle-doves arrived this morning, and are cooing away in the
pear tree as I write. I'm so touched and grateful!
With undying love, as always,
Emily
My darling Edward, Dec. 27
You do think of the most original presents! Who ever though of sending
anybody three French hens? Do they really come all the way from France?
It's a pity we have no chicken coops, but I expect we'll find some.
Anyway, thank you so much; they're lovely.
Your devoted Emily
Dearest Edward, Dec. 28
What a surprise! Four calling birds arrived this morning. They are
very sweet, even if they do call rather loudly - they make telephoning
almost impossible - but I expect they'll calm down when they get used to
their new home. Anyway, I'm very grateful, of course I am.
Love from Emily
Dearest Edward, Dec. 29
The mailman has just delivered five most beautiful gold rings, one for
each finger, and all fitting perfectly! A really lovely present! Lovelier
in a way, than birds, which do take rather a lot of looking after. The
four that arrived yesterday are still making a terrible row, and I'm afraid
none of us god much sleep last night. Mother says she wants to usse the
rings to "wring" their necks. Mother has such a sense of humor. This time
she's only joking, I think, but I do know what she means. Still, I love
the rings. Bless you,
Emily
Dear Edward, Dec. 30
Whatever I expected to find when I opened the front door this morning,
it certainly wasn't six socking great geese laying eggs all over the porch.
Frankly, I rather hoped that you had stopped sending me birds. We have no
room for them, and they've already ruined the croquet lawn. I know you
meant well, but let's call a halt, shall we?
Love, Emily
Edward, Dec. 31
I thought I said NO MORE BIRDS. This morning I woke up to find no more
than seven swans, all trying to get into our tiny goldfish pond. I'd
rather not think what's happened to the goldfish. The whole house seemse
to be full of birds, to say nothing of what they leave behind them, so
please, please, stop!
Your Emily
Jan. 1
Frankly, I prefer the birds. What am I to do with eight milkmaids? And
their cows! Is this some kind of a joke? If so, I'm afraid I don't find
it very amusing.
Emily
Look here, Edward, Jan. 2
This has gone far enough. You say you're sending me nine ladies
dancing. All I can say is, judging from the way they dance, they're
certainly not ladies. The village just isn't accustomed to seeing a
regiment of shameless viragos, with nothing on but their lipstick,
cavorting round the green, and it's Mother and I who get the blame. If you
value our friendship, which I do (less and less), kindly stop this
ridiculous behavior at once.
Emily
Jan. 3
As I write this letter, ten disgusting old men are prancing up and down
all over what used to be the garden, before the geese and the swans and the
cows got at it. And several of them, I have just noticed, are taking
inexcusable liberties with the milkmaids. Meanwhile the neighbors are
trying to have us evicted. I shall never speak to you again.
Emily
Jan. 4
This is the last straw! You know I detest bagpipes! The place has now
become something of between a menagerie and a madhouse, and a man from the
council has just declared it unfit for habitation. At least Mother has
been spared this last outrage; they took her away yesterday afternoon in an
ambulance to a home for the bewildered. I hope you're satisfied.
Jan. 5
Sir,
Our client, Miss Emily Wilbraham, instructs me to inform you that with
the arrival on her premises at 7:30 this morning of the entire percussion
section of the Boston Symphony Orchestra, and several of their friends, she
has no course left open to her but to seek an injunction to prevent you
importuning her further. I am making arrangements for the return of much
assorted livestock.
I am, Sir, yours faithfully,
G. Creep
Attorney at law